


penguin (kyungsoo) + tree (chanyeol) = penguin tree (the kid)

by splatrification



Series: crackedy schmack exo goes quack [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, Mpreg, actually no hate me if you want, can you tell i'm desperate, chansoo to the max, don't hate me i was tired, fluff if you squint, give me all the comments, hate or not, like squint a lot, lol, the more hits the better lmfao, this is literally pure crack, this was a random idea, totally self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 22:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13420602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splatrification/pseuds/splatrification
Summary: Chanyeol wants a new job, Kyungsoo's ready to commit murder and Yifan's too busy laughing his ass off on the floor to explain the joke.





	penguin (kyungsoo) + tree (chanyeol) = penguin tree (the kid)

**Author's Note:**

> lol yeah i know this is 1000% a disaster, but i've always had a lot of fun writing crack and this was no exception.  
> i read somewhere once that if your writing makes you laugh (which it did) then it's decent. i don't think that really applies to my writing seeing as i have a terrible sense of humour, but i figured i didn't really care lmfao.
> 
> thanks to noomi, who rejected this ridiculous idea (one of many that i have) immediately and told me to burn it, but when i wrote it anyway, still read it. also, to emma, who gave no fucks and told me she laughed out loud. i appreciate you guys.
> 
> anyway i hate sounding sappy so moving on, i hope you laugh even a fraction of the amount i did when i first thought about the idea that eventually turned into a 2.5k trainwreck.
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: holy shit?? over 100 people liked this enough to give it kudos?? 
> 
> im so shook  
> thank you to everyone who took time out of their day to read this, i appreciate every single one of you, whether you liked it or not (this fic leaves a lot to be desired, believe me, i know), and especially thank you to all the people who bookmarked and left kudos, i love you so much <3

“You know,” Chanyeol muses thoughtfully, voice muffled from where he’s lying face down in a stack of papers on his desk, “I reckon I’m gonna get a new job. Something with better pay, less hours-” A scrunched up ball of paper thwacks him on the head, and stifled giggles erupt from across the room. Chanyeol doesn’t move, simply heaves a sigh and settles deeper into his pillow of tax reports.

“Yeah,” he mumbles to himself. “Better pay, less hours, and no annoying coworkers.”

“You can literally suck my dick, Yeol,” hisses Baekhyun, his head popping up over the divider. A loud screech of laughter breaks the quiet, and Jongdae appears next to Baekhyun.

“He can’t, Baek, he’s already sucking Soo’s, remember?” The two dissolve into giggles, leaning on each other and the precariously balanced divider for support. Chanyeol sighs again and sits up, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes and praying for the day to end. A paper aeroplane taps his temple lightly before floating backwards, then sinking to the floor dejectedly, and Jongdae starts giggling even louder.

“Aw, come on, Yeollie, what’s got you down in the dumps?” Jongdae grins at him, tossing one of Baekhyun’s erasers (“What the _fuck_ , Dae, you know those things are collector’s items! You can’t just waste them by _throwing them at trash!”_ ) at Chanyeol. “You’re gonna be a father any day now! Kyungsoo’s what, a few days overdue?”

“Three,” Chanyeol answers automatically, remembering the frantic rush to the hospital after May 14th had come and gone and there was no sign of Kyungsoo going into labour, let alone the baby. “Doctor said that there was nothing to worry about, it happens sometimes, apparently.” Baekhyun points a finger at him.

“See? Nothing to worry about. So why do you look like someone just ran over your puppy?”

“I’m just…” Chanyeol huffs tiredly, tugging at his hair in frustration. “I don’t know. I’m stressed about Soo, and I’m stressed about the baby, and I’m stressed about this damn job, but I can’t just _quit_ because how the fuck else am I supposed to provide for Kyungsoo _and_ our fucking _kid_.” Chanyeol has to blink away unexpected tears, then, and Jongdae coos sympathetically as Baekhyun pats his head soothingly and pretends to puke.

“You’re gonna be a really good father, you know that, Yeol?” Jongdae says firmly, a soft smile on his face. Baekhyun stops fake-retching and nods enthusiastically.

“You’re gonna play with the baby like the big dork you are while Kyungsoo watches you rolling around on the floor with a martini in hand and that creepy expression he sometimes gets around you-” Chanyeol blinks.

“Creepy expression?” Baekhyun nods, eyes unfocusing before he shudders in disgust.

“He gets all, like, sweet and caring or some shit, and his eyes go all soft, and I think I actually saw him genuinely _smile_ , once?” He frowns. “I’m pretty sure I was absolutely shitfaced, though, so that might have been a tequila-induced hallucination.” Chanyeol has stopped paying attention at this point, completely away with the fairies as thoughts ricochet around his head, all clamouring to be heard. _Stress_ , he vaguely registers, _is one hell of a bitch_.

Eventually, Jongdae and Baekhyun recognise that Chanyeol isn’t coming out of his funk any time soon, and buy him some of the shitty, overpriced coffee that their office supplies, and leave him (mostly) alone for the rest of the day, allowing Chanyeol to wallow in his thoughts while he files away papers on autopilot.

Four o’clock comes and goes, and by the time Chanyeol registers that it’s nearly half past five and the building has almost entirely emptied out, his phone is blowing up with texts from Kyungsoo, and a voicemail from Jongin that tells him to _“Please call Kyungsoo-hyung, hyung, he’s this close to screaming out the window and I don’t think it’s good for the baby.”_ Chanyeol fumbles with his phone, clearing the masses of notifications from Kyungsoo, and calls him as he hurriedly packs his bag.

“Where the _fuck_ are you?” Kyungsoo screeches, and something inside Chanyeol dies as he hears Kyungsoo forcing his voice not to shake.

“Soo, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even realise the time, I’ve been in the office filing paperwork, I’m sorry, I’m on my way now-” Chanyeol is stumbling over his words, horrified at how he managed to _forget_ about his _husband_ and their _baby_ , who is due _any day now_.

“You _will_ be sorry,” Kyungsoo hisses, but his voice has softened, and Chanyeol almosts bursts into tears then and there. Forget pregnant people being unpredictable, Chanyeol is _clearly_ the emotionally unstable one in his relationship.

“At least I’ve missed rush hour?” Chanyeol half-heartedly jokes, smothering his sniffles in a old car registration application. Kyungsoo hums, and Chanyeol can imagine him sitting on their couch, hot milk in hand (“That’s the only thing I’ve disliked about this kid, the fact that I can’t drink coffee.”) and phone tucked between his shoulder and ear, flipping through TV channels. The thought nearly makes Chanyeol start crying again, so he shoves it down and takes a deep breath, heading for the door with his bag slung over his shoulder.

“I have to go now, Soo, but I’ll be there soon,” Chanyeol promises, shouldering open the glass door and waving goodbye to the receptionist, Luhan. Kyungsoo hums again.

“Don’t get hit by a car, because I’ll never forgive you, and neither will your child.” Chanyeol blanches, and shakes his head vehemently, despite the fact that Kyungsoo can’t see him.

“I won’t, I swear-”

“Calm down, Yeol. I...see you.”

“Don’t get all sentimental, I’ll be there in half an hour. Love you,” Chanyeol teases.

“Love you too, idiot.”

 

 

Exactly 33 minutes and 17 seconds after Chanyeol hangs up the phone, he pulls into the parking lot of their apartment and dashes up the stairs, long legs taking them three at a time and almost crashing into the guy who lives two doors down, Taehyung. After hastily apologising, he sprints up the last few flights and practically falls in through the door, Sehun, Jongin and Kyungsoo all looking up from the kitchen table with matching expressions of amusement. Jongin stands up, tugging Sehun with him.

“I guess that’s our cue to leave,” he says, grinning at Chanyeol, who flushes bright red. Sehun coos, and Chanyeol is about to reprimand him because _he’s still older, goddammit_ , but they’re already skipping happily past him and out the door, waving goodbye to Kyungsoo.

“I made dinner,” Kyungsoo says, gesturing into the kitchen at a plate sitting next to the microwave. Chanyeol cocks his head to the side.

“This early?” Kyungsoo scowls, and gives him a pointed look that makes Chanyeol remember exactly what early is. He stumbled over his own feet to get to Kyungsoo, wrapping his husband up in the gentlest, tightest hug he can give to someone who was due three days ago.

“I’m so sorry,” Chanyeol says into Kyungsoo’s soft brown hair, “I didn’t mean to lose track of time.” Kyungsoo starts soundlessly shaking, and for a split second Chanyeol’s stomach drops so far that he thinks he might just pass out, but then Kyungsoo lets out an ugly snort and cackles into Chanyeol’s chest.

“You’re so fucking whipped, it’s like having my own personal slave.” Chanyeol splutters, hugging Kyungsoo tighter.

“I thought you married me because you love me, though?!”

“Pfft, you wish, Park, it was because you were so ready to attend to my every need.” Kyungsoo smooths a hand over Chanyeol’s shirt, beaming into his shoulder, eyes closed. Chanyeol wants to burst into tears right then, for no good reason, but it's probably got something to do with the fact that his whole family is in his arms. Then, Kyungsoo draws away and Chanyeol scowls unhappily, latching onto Kyungsoo's arm again. 

“I’m going to bed - yes, this early,” at Chanyeol’s confused pout, “I have...a feeling. That I’m going to need the sleep. So once you’ve eaten that,” he points at the food again, “Have a shower and come to bed. I want to cuddle.”

 

Chanyeol's still incredibly fucking confused, but trusting Kyungsoo's instincts has never turned out badly before, so Chanyeol sees no reason as to why he should stop doing it. After carefully watching Kyungsoo to make sure that he doesn't fall over the floor or something equally as horrible while he waddles down the hall to their bedroom ( _cute fluffy smol p_ _enguin_ , says Chanyeol's brain), Chanyeol scoffs down his food and takes the fastest shower in the history of showers. He hastily yanks on a pair of boxers and tumbles into bed beside Kyungsoo, draping a protective arm around him and  ~~creepily~~ happily nuzzling his husband's soft hair. 

Kyungsoo huffs out a contented sigh and sinks deeper into the mattress, already half asleep despite the fact that it's only just past six. Chanyeol briefly wonders why, but mentally shrugs and chalks it down to another one of Kyungsoo's superpowers (along with being able to tell what everyone is thinking, all of the time).

 

* * *

 

Kyungsoo’s instincts are proved right yet again when at 2 am on the 19th of May, Chanyeol is woken by a squawk from beside him.

“Get _up_ , Yeollie,” yelps Kyungsoo, who his sitting bolt upright staring down at himself. Chanyeol blinks twice, but that’s all he has time for before it registers.

“The baby’s coming!” he shrieks, so loudly that it wouldn’t be a surprise if the whole building is woken up. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

“No shit, now get up, we have to _go_.” Chanyeol rolls (falls) out of bed with a shocked hiccup, and yanks on a threadbare T-shirt. He grabs the bag that they’d prepared nearly a month ago, and rings Baekhyun, who answers with a sleepy groan and and an angry kick at the floor, which also happens to be Chanyeol’s ceiling.

“What the fuck-”

“The baby’s coming!” Chanyeol yells up at the ceiling and into his phone. There’s a muffled thud from above him, and he comes to the conclusion that Baekhyun has fallen onto the floor.

“Okay okay okay,” Baekhyun says, sounding slightly hysterical. “I’m coming I’m coming, can you get Soo to the door?”

“I’m not an invalid!” Kyungsoo protests loudly, but he allows Chanyeol to support most of his body weight out to the front door. It’s probably less that he needs it and more to do with the fact that Chanyeol might have a heart attack if he isn’t allowed to help, honestly. They’re out the door and at the stairwell when Baekhyun comes crashing down the steps looking about as panicked as Chanyeol feels.

“Are you okay? Can you walk? Does it hurt? Chanyeol, can you carry him? How will-” Kyungsoo wobbles over and slaps the back of Baekhyun’s head, scowling murderously at him. Chanyeol’s hands are hovering anxiously over Kyungsoo’s hips, ready to catch him if he shows the slightest bit of unsteadiness, so Chanyeol only notices that Kyungsoo’s infamous death glare has been turned on him when he clears his throat.

“I’m not going to fall, Chanyeol, and if I was, I would tell you. Calm the fuck down and get me to the hospital. Oh my _god._ ”

They make it to the hospital, Baekhyun driving, Chanyeol screeching at him whenever they hit a bump in the road, and Kyungsoo yelling at Chanyeol for it. Kyungsoo’s not quite in labour yet, but despite knowing nothing about childbirth, Chanyeol has a feeling it won’t be long, and to say he’s hysterical would be the understatement of the century. Baekhyun normally scoffs at Chanyeol’s “feelings” but he sure isn’t arguing this time, simply getting progressively jumpier whenever they go over a bump.

It’s a comical scene; after being told that “Baekhyun might be a little bitch at times but he’s doing his goddamn best right now, so shut the fuck up” Chanyeol switches to mumbling a high-pitched “Yikes!” under his breath every time they hit a pothole, and Kyungsoo’s having a hard time keeping a straight face.

 

 

Chanyeol walks out of the delivery room at 3:30 am with a slightly dazed, slightly terrified look on his face. Baekhyun jumps up from his seat and gasps at the tiny baby boy Chanyeol is cradling in his overly long noodle arms, tears dripping down his face steadily. He leans carefully against the wall and looks up at Baekhyun, barely able to see his best friend through a haze of tears.

“Baek- I’m- he-” He’s a stuttering mess at this point, the only thing keeping him from breaking down completely the tiny, breakable human in his arms. Baekhyun coos, wiping Chanyeol’s tears off the baby’s face so he can see him properly.

“That is the most adorable thing I have ever seen,” he whispers, eyes wide.

“Do- d’you- wanna h-h-hold him?” Baekhyun looks up at Chanyeol and comes to the decision that it’s probably for the best if he holds the kid so Chanyeol can cry properly without having to worry about accidentally using the baby as a tissue or something. He takes  his best friend’s son and starts rocking him carefully as Chanyeol slides down the wall and blubbers into his knees.

“What’s his name, Yeol?”

“M-M-Mingyu.” They stay there in the poorly lit corridor, the silence only broken by Chanyeol’s quiet sniffles, two best friends and a kid, until Kyungsoo wakes up ten minutes later and demands to see his son.

 

Yifan has a fucking field day when he finds out. He’s standing behind Junmyeon, a tall dorky shadow peering down at the baby in Kyungsoo’s arms.

“His name is Mingyu,” says Kyungsoo with a tinge of pride, and while Junmyeon starts cooing at the little family like it’s his job or something, Yifan gets his first proper look at Mingyu, then stares at Kyungsoo and bursts out laughing. He’s cackling so loudly, in fact, that Mingyu wakes up and starts wailing. If it wasn’t for the fact that the baby was Kyungsoo’s Number One Priority, Chanyeol has a feeling that Yifan would be at the bottom of a river somewhere, with multiple stab wounds. Junmyeon and Chanyeol stare bemusedly at Yifan, and Kyungsoo glares daggers, but the tall man is half off his chair, silently shaking with laughter, unable to talk.

Finally, he regains a bit of control over his vocal cords and gasps out, “M-Mingyu- _Pingu-”_ then dissolves again, and no one can work out what on earth he’s on about. Even after he tries to explain (“He’s like, Kyungsoo, right? A penguin? And it rhymes with _Pingu_. Fucking _Mingyu Pingyu_.”) it makes no difference, and Yifan is still the only one in on the joke when it’s time for him and Junmyeon to leave.

They walk away, Yifan still howling with laughter, and Chanyeol makes a mental note to google whatever the fuck a pingu is.

Knowing Yifan, it’s probably nothing good.

**Author's Note:**

> NOOT NOOT MOTHERFUCKERS
> 
> wow lmao comment below about how much you hated it because same
> 
> HIT ME UP ON [TWITTER](%E2%80%9Dwww.twitter.com/splatrification%E2%80%9D) AND [CURIOUS CAT](%E2%80%9Dwww.curiouscat.me/splatrification%E2%80%9D) I'D LOVE TO BE FRIENDS


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